Column: Oh, what to write about now? There are still many | Opinion

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So I say to these guys, “Any ideas for my column topic tonight?” I take requests. Do not mistake yourself ; I never had a problem coming up with ideas for topics. When you have as many voices in mind as me, there are plenty of suggestions:

Last night in Bowling League (as you requested I got a 209 series GPA, but it didn’t matter) I lobbied nephew Jay and Lincoln “Ned Flanders” Reese for requests, in response to some sarcasm from Reese. He said, “Your wrong date, the part 1 column was good, but last week’s part 2 was missing.” I wanted to know more about what had been said on the date. I retorted, “What, ‘Is it pretty cool being a cheerleader or what’ wasn’t pathetic enough for you?”

As any blind man could see, I had hardly said anything during the entire meeting. I was a sweaty street mime without the clever physical improv. Helen Keller would be bored and go out.

Likewise, a good friend, but certainly not a trusted columnist, Sean Johnson, had said the same thing a few days earlier. You may remember Sean as Einstein who suggested that I always post a disclaimer as to whether each column is meant to be humorous or serious. He fails to grasp the concept of inserting humor into a serious point. Disclaimer? I haven’t heard such madness since Lloyd Braun cost Dinkins the election in New York City by promoting all the city dwellers wearing badges!

According to Sean, “No one wants to hear about teenage acne.” Obviously, this is far too delicate a subject. Like depression – and most of us have experienced both at some point – it should never be publicly admitted. Well, Mr Johnson, not talking about pimples doesn’t make them go away; in fact, research proves just the opposite. You can’t just sweep pimples under the rug.

I don’t mean to cover up a problem, but I’m just asking: who is to judge what is worthy of journalistic scrutiny? One man’s carbuncle is another man’s treasure. Maybe I’m doubling as a form of one-upmanship; that is, when Flanders and / or Johnson say “Don’t”, I do. If I cut my nose to upset my face, so be it. I’ve never been crazy about my face anyway.

But I delete. Decades ago, I was invited more than once to lecture at future high school journalists. Question # 1 asked was: “Do you ever run out of ideas to write about? It’s as if I was wondering if I ever had others to blame, or if I had no more reason to breathe. Well, something like that anyway. To this day, I have never written anything just to fill in the space or reap a financial reward. The topics that fascinate me come to mind like truckers in a strip club.

Okay, maybe my analogies aren’t quite right tonight, but I promise you this: I will never shy away from my duty to publish the topics that readers are most interested in. Next week I will tackle the crippling burden of the pubescent voice change. Is it important ? You’re scared just hissing Dixie, sister. (Yes, Sean, that was more humorous than his dramatic counterpart.)


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