Quick, wrap me in tin foil before Big Brother finds me!


A few months ago, Alexa started responding to me. Alexa is Amazon’s virtual personal assistant, always jumping into conversations she isn’t invited to.

And she would respond, “An alien invasion is imminent.”

Or I would say, “Alexa, is inflation rising or falling?”

And she would say, “Ask Vladimir Putin.

Once I insulted her for her impudence, and she got outraged and threatened to report me to Jeff Bezos. It was like arguing with my teenage daughter. Who knows? With a name like Alexa, she could spy for the Russians.

Siri, which lives inside my iPhone and iPad, is equally annoying. When I ask her to call someone, she always ends up calling the wrong person.

To test it, I would say: “Siri, call Sergei Kuzhugetovich Shoigu. And she would start calling the Connecticut State Police Narcotics Task Force. Is it difficult to get the right number?

I’ve read a few stories about people whose virtual assistants spied on them…and they got caught doing unsavory things. This technology listens to every word you speak. I bet if you say “recession” they’ll report you to the Federal Reserve now that it’s illegal to use that word in America.

It’s time to protect ourselves from snoopers, whether they’re Russian spies, social media vigilantes, the Chinese Communist Party, Facebook, TikTok, Google, Big Tech, Big Data, Big Government, Big Brother, Big Mother, or Big Mac.

In a recent poll, 85% of respondents were convinced at least one tech company was spying on them, and the most likely culprit was Facebook, 66% said. You never know what “data collection” system Mark Zuckerberg will come up with next. He has those Richard Nixon genes.

Many people believe that the government is watching them. Some have even started putting post-it notes on their computer cameras. Ever since the FBI solved the Russian collusion case, they’ve had a lot of free time.

Everyone is watching us, and they know things about us that we don’t even know ourselves. Have you ever done an internet search? You might be looking for a laxative on Amazon, and before you know it, every website you visit will be showing ads for Miralax and Senna Quick Cleanse…which can get really embarrassing if your boss monitors your Internet activity. (Ever since I wrote a column about reading glasses, ads for bifocals and progressive sunglasses have been stalking me in cyberspace.)

But don’t be afraid. There are ways to protect yourself and your family from Big Tech, Medium Tech, Little Tech, and laxative ads. Here are some fun projects you and your kids can do to limit surveillance.

First, you need a microwave oven. I admit I’ve never used microwaves much because they ruin everything you put in them, especially pizza. However, they can help prevent an invasion of your privacy by spies trying to tap your devices.

I’m not suggesting you atomize your smart phone, because if microwave ovens ruin pizza, imagine what they’ll do to your iPhone 13 Pro. However, if you’re worried that Big Brother is listening, put your cell phone inside and the grill will block signals coming in and out. Of course, the day you have to flee from One World Order, you will have to take the oven with you, so take a small one.

Another way to stop them from tracking you is to buy a “burn-in phone”, which is an inexpensive prepaid cell phone. Just make sure you pay in cash and not with a credit card or else they will come and take you or your loved ones away.

For truly effective protection, you need Reynolds Wrap. Go to Walmart immediately and buy all the aluminum foil on the shelves before Congress passes a law banning it. If you wrap your smartphone in foil, Hydra and Specter agents won’t be able to track you.

I discovered this technique in the sci-fi series “Fringe”, where an absent-minded professor, with an IQ higher than that of Einstein, had a device that continued to emit electromagnetic signals. He wrapped it in aluminum foil to avoid detection. Problem solved.

To be completely safe, you may need to wrap your family in tin foil, as communists have been known to bomb embassies with microwaves. You never know… your neighbor could be a communist spy. It’s the 1950s again, so be sure to save some Reynolds Wrap for the rest of us.

These security tactics are guaranteed and were developed by experts who have probably served time in prison for espionage. I know what I’m talking about because I’ve seen all the Jason Bourne movies. Don’t tell Alexa.

Joe Pisani, former Stamford lawyer and editor of Greenwich Times, can be reached at [email protected]


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